There has to be more.....

Reflections on my birthday.....

I have full confidence that God gave me thirty-two years of life experiences to prepare me for my thirty-third year of life. This life I lead is more challenging than I thought it would be. I’ve never taken the “easy” route to do anything. That should be clarified; I take the easy route but tend to make the easy route more difficult than it needs to be. I’ve always expected more. I expect things to be more challenging or difficult, most likely because I’ve never seemed to gain a true sense of self-confidence in my abilities.

I’m told that as a child I was very determined. I’m also told that I was quite bossy, which explains my daughter’s current behavior! Growing up was always the goal….there could be nothing better than being a grown up. I think my determination in accomplishing things and making things more difficult was a way for me to be more grown up. I could never shake the thought of “there has to be more to life than this.” My parents were amazing role models for me. They are the reason I had this determination to be grown up. They looked like they had it all figured out, and I wanted that. I wanted responsibility, people to depend on me, to be able to support and comfort others, and for others to look at me with admiration. In short, I wanted to be my parents.

It wasn’t until late in high school that I finally realized I was capable of more than I gave myself credit for.  I was finally able to take on more responsibility and succeed. I definitely realized this when during my senior year of high school I was told I couldn’t take my second semester of accounting. I instead was required to take consumer economics, where they basically show you how to balance a checkbook. I was so disappointed that I asked my accounting teacher if I could do all of the work for the accounting class, but not be enrolled. I think she was shocked that somebody wanted to add more classes to their schedule, yet not get any credit. I completed the class and look back on it as a turning point, a point that I learned that I could accomplish more than what was expected of me. Once again, I seemed to think “there has to be more to this….”

I don’t think I had any obstacles in college. The degree I chose was not the most stressing or difficult to obtain. Monetarily, I’m still paying for it…..  For the most part the expectations of my academics were pretty low in general. I didn’t really learn anything and kept thinking “there has to be more to this.”

I began teaching and thought “there has to be more to this” so I began my Master’s program. I loved the challenges put in front of me – learning about school leadership and challenging myself to learn more and do more. One again I wanted a challenge…..there has to be more.

Maybe that’s why I fell in love with Kevin. He’s challenging and I’ve come to realize that’s what I love! I’ve always been told that relationships aren’t always easy and marriage is not different. Kevin and I have worked for seven years at our relationship. We’re still learning about each other and how to adapt to our growing family. Even though it’s a challenge, it’s the best challenge because it has the most amazing results.

Three of those results are our amazing children. When Natalie was born, the challenge of motherhood commenced. I will say now that she was a fairly easy baby. I would not have muttered these words before now. The combination of slight colic and definite inexperience on my part made me believe that Natalie was a difficult child. Thankfully God showed me what difficult REALLY was this past year! Once again, as Natalie grew, I began thinking “there has to be more.” This was a different feeling than before. It was more of a feeling of “there has to be more of this amazing love to share.” Although we planned on having one more child, God graced us with two healthy boys. God heard my cry of “there has to be more” and He delivered.

Today on my birthday I’m reflecting on how in the world I became a thirty-three year old woman with a four year daughter, eleven month old twin boys, a loving husband, a happy home and the opportunity to stay home to enjoy all of these blessings. As I sit here while my kids are screaming with joy, chasing each other around and laughing at the fact that they’re just plain silly, I don’t feel that sense of “there has to be more.” I know this is what that yearning was. This is the time in my life I’ve been longing for. There really is no more to life than a happy, healthy family whom you love more than anything you could ever express or explain. This is the life. This is what God had envisioned for me and I am so blessed to not only have it but to fully comprehend how blessed I am to be able to have the life that I do. I pray that my children continue to grow and remain healthy, my marriage continues to enrich my life, and that all those that support our family know how grateful and blessed we are to have them in our lives. What birthday blessings I’m experiencing today. It has taken me thirty three years to finally feel that there really is no more than this. This, this, this is what celebrating life is all about.